Having Faith & Understanding Grace

I may have been writing this post for months now. I walk around in the quiet of the day beginning a prayer to God which turns into a monologue or journal of my emotions and then evolves back into a whispering prayer of - Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. I love you God. Amen. This whole thing is probably my prayer but either way I needed to put it down and share.

Mitchell said it. He declared it in the car when I was in tears after our doctor’s appointment. He said, "God has a great plan for us. And even if we don’t understand it right now we will soon. We have to trust Him." I hung on to those words. I knew he was right. And it wasn’t hope for something great was around the corner. For sometimes hope sounds like you’re hanging on by a thread of believing it can turn out better, without an anchor of faith that it will be better. But it was Faith in our creator that we knew even through a heartbreaking miscarriage God was taking care of us. He was protecting us from something worse and used this pain to show his love and Grace.

About two and a half weeks after my D&C I felt a little tender on one side and like most women—I just knew I was ovulating.  Jump to another few weeks later and that beautiful plus sign appeared on the test. It felt almost too good to be true.  A few ultrasounds later and two babies were confirmed. TWO! And we heard the most beautiful sound—two strong heartbeats. God never does things half way!

Walking to the car with Mitchell and staring at our two gummy bear babies in the ultrasound pictures, I felt God saying to us, “This is why! I told you I would not forsake you. I’m sorry I had to take Abigail. But here are two babies for you. I do all things because I love you.”

I may never know why God took Abigail from us so soon. But I know it wasn’t just a matter of biology that I lost a baby at nine weeks and then got pregnant with twins two weeks later. It was supernatural—divine. It is a memorial in my life, in Mitchell’s life and in our children’s lives—a reminder that the Lord will never forsake us but He has a purpose for everything that happens. And as we raise these babies to know God and His Grace and have Faith in Him, I’m sure God will reveal more of His purpose in the heartbreak we had on August 14, 2012, and the amazing conception that even modern day biologists and geneticists can’t fully comprehend.

And to be completely honest, I have plenty of my freak-out moments. I worry a lot about how we’re going to do it all. What if the babies are premature? What if one is really sick? Will Aedan feel left out? Will I be able to give each of them the attention they deserve? What if I can’t do this? What if I can’t do that? What if we don’t have enough money? What if Mitchell has to work a lot? How will I do it on my own? And the uncertainty goes on and on…. Satan loves to remind us of all we can’t do and how human we are.

But soon after I’m reminded of all of the men and women who can’t have babies, who would be wonderful mommies and daddies, and who would give all they have to have two babies in the belly. My worries and fears disappear. God gave me these babies. We all have our own stories and testimonies of God’s love—and this is mine. I will own it proudly. And whenever I feel scared about how we’re going to do it all with a two year old, twin babies, one income, and only 24 hours in a day, I’ll remember how blessed we are that God chose us for these children. This isn’t exactly how I imagined our family would turn out. It’s so much better!

Thank you, Lord. Amen