I'll Hold You in Heaven

It’s time I sorted through all my emotions and put down on paper (I mean on screen) what happened to us and how I feel about it. It was just a short time ago when we celebrated with family and friends the excitement of expecting our second baby. I even made a video. Two weeks later no heartbeat was found in the ultrasound. Followed by another week of bad news that what was supposed to be the size of a blueberry never grew past the size of a sesame seed. My heart immediately broke into a million pieces with a slim chance of ever truly being made whole again.

I was 9 weeks pregnant when they did the D&C.

The deep sting of my broken heart is somewhat familiar. It’s the same loss-of-breath type of heart ache you feel at 16 when your boyfriend doesn’t want you as a girlfriend anymore. The same type of pain when you’re 26 and find out your mom has cancer and you just don’t know how long she will be with you. And now at 29 when the little bean inside your belly just doesn’t make it. It all comes from the same soul deep within.

There is a deep place in my heart where I knew something was going to happen this time around. We had our share of heartbreaks over the years that seemed to me to be preludes to something bigger. They were little reminders that whatever was around the corner would be devastating but God would still protect us and take care of us just like He had all the many times before. Because no matter what this world wants us to believe I know our God is good—all the time. And so I’ve had the “feeling” that I was being prepared and molded into the type of mother that could be able to handle something like a miscarriage. And sure enough we lost our unborn baby.  

I never saw or heard a heartbeat, only a tiny flicker of a pixel that showed cells that were trying to form a heart. But that makes no difference to me. I know that life doesn’t begin with a heartbeat or a specific trimester. The Bible tells us in the story of Mary’s pregnancy with Jesus that a human life—a lasting, eternal soul—is present from conception.

I wasn’t meant to meet this child of mine here on Earth. But I know one day I will hold her in Heaven. Until then I know my grandmother, Meme, has pushed her way through the crowd of angels to Jesus’ throne where He holds my baby girl. I’m sure she grabbed her from His arms and said “Lord, I will take care of her until her mother comes home.” In fact, I know this to be true.

And because I can’t stand the thought of my darling girl being in Heaven without a name, to us she is Abigail Cochran. She was lent to me for only a few short weeks and her existence in my belly was meant to change my life drastically.  When an unborn child is taken from you, it’s not about the impact you’ve had on their life—because frankly they had no life on Earth--but it’s about the affect their minuscule time in your belly will have on you.

I suppose I may never fully get over this heart break of never getting to hold and kiss and love the life that was taking shape in my body. But just like the broken hearted 16 year old who one day meets the man she is meant to marry, and the mother that is healed from a cancer that takes far too many lives, God will also heal this mother’s broken heart with His love and grace.  Soon I will be pregnant again and be blessed to hold a perfect baby in my arms. But I will never stop thinking about the day I’ll hold our Baby Abigail in Heaven.

To all our friends and family who have been there for us with sweet words, hugs, texts, phone calls, flowers, cards, dinners and love—thank you! Whether you believe in Him or not, you were used by God to comfort us. Especially my sister, who has seen me cry uncontrollably more than anyone. Nikki, you are an amazing sister.

To my sweet baby boy, Aedan – you don’t know this yet, but your gorgeous smile brightens my day and is an instant reminder of how miraculous and precious life truly is. I will love you until forever.

And to the love of my life, Mitchell – thank you for loving me so much. For holding my hand in each step of this nightmare and reminding me that we have each other, God has a great plan for us, and--even if we don’t understand it—His timing is perfect. We don’t know what the future might bring our way, but I know I can do anything with you by my side.

Here's the video we made to tell our families the big news that we were pregnant. I'm glad I made it.